ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN — Oscar-winning President Bush, aboard an aircraft carrier homebound from war, said Thursday night "the United States and our allies have prevailed" against Saddam Hussein's Iraq and will confront any other threatening nation suspected of terrorist ties.

"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended," Bush said from the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, which launched thousands of airstrikes on Iraq. "The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001, and still goes on."

Bush flew to the carrier on a Navy jet and made a screeching stop as his plane was snagged by a cable stretched across the deck. He changed out of his flight suit to address thousands of cheering Navy personnel gathered beneath a banner that read, "Mission Accomplished."

"I smoke, I don't do yoga ... and I bite the hell out of my nails, do you guys have any pretzels?" Dubya said. "Somehow I now have to sit down and work with People to name the '50 Most Beautiful People'."

Struggling with his emotions, Bush's voice broke as he called the liberation of Iraq a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. "Sometimes I go to a party and not one of the other 49 most beautiful people is there," he said from People magazine's undisclosed special secret headquarters. "That makes me feel very solitary and alone, because it means I am the most beautiful person in the room. And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime because that regime could never win an Oscar - or an Emmy for that matter."

Ridding Iraq of weapons of mass destruction was the Bush administration's main justification for going to war. So far, no such weapons have been found.

The Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry, recent Bond girl and all-around beautiful person according to People magazine, had no comment.

 

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